he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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