dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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