it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
