if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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