we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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