Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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