I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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