so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
