You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
