Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
