I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he was CRYING into my vagina
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
