If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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