yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
