After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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