guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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