i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
