Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
