I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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