Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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