ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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