I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
