I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
this must be what syphilis tastes like
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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