i don't like sucking hair
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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