My hand turned me down
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
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my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
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You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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