We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
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I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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