I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
