Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
