there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
