so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
