Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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