if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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