im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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