mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
