Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Randomize
