nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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