As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So much rum. So many feels.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
