I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
where are you?
Hypothermia
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
