Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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