I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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