This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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