I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
