After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
