Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
