omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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