I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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