you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
