Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
