My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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