So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
