I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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