If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
