I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
