Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
