I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
