I swear she didn't look like that last week.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
