I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
you traded sex for a burrito?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
