come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
