I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
