I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
