also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
