I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
