I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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